RE: Channel Surfing
by S.T.A.R.S stunt doubles
Summary: Imagine Robot Chicken and Resident Evil in a blender....Never seen Robot Chicken, read this anyway. Never played RE? Why are you even here? Read and Review! Chap 3 Up!
1. Chapter 1

Dedicated to Clarie. Because we want to make you feel special! And because we feel bad you couldn't be a part of this fic.

**RE: Channel Surfing**

(static)

David: (Smiles fakely) Toilet not flushing? Tub clogged? Kitchen sink spewing up more disgusting gunk than Linda Blair in The Exorcist? Sounds like you need a plumber. I fix sinks, toilets, tubs, showers, pipes, and those european things that squirt water on your ass. Call me now at 1-800-555-KING.

(static)

Alyssa: Welcome back to the Raccoon Ten 'o' clock news, I'm Alyssa Ashcroft, anchorwoman...

Ted: And I'm Ted Miller. In today's news--

Alyssa: Nevermind that! I made anchorwoman! (turns to camera 2, leans forward, points) Suck on that, Terri! (sits back down) Hmmph! Fatass bitch...

Ted: (sighs) God help us all... anyway...as I was saying, there was a riot at the football match between the--

Alyssa: And now we go live to _weathergirl_ Terri Morales for this week's forecast and her reaction to my recent promotion.

Ted: Umm..okay...

(Switch to Camera 6 where Terri is standing in front of the weather map, a fake smile pasted over her face)

Terri: Well...we're having an unexpected heat wa--

Alyssa: Pfft! Who cares?! Tell the audience how it feels to be making...ohhh...what was it again? Oh yeah! 60 percent less than me...?

Ted: Somehow I don't think that's relevan--

Alyssa: Shut it, Ted! Let the pig answer!

Terri: Well...(grits teeth) If call getting a promotion in exchange for allowing your boss to lick mustard off the small of your back in a cheap motel room while you pretend to enjoy it something to brag about, then...yeah..I guess I'd be pretty damn jealous...

(A shoe goes flying from offscreen and hits Terri)

Terri: (rubs side of her head) What in the? A shoe, Alyssa? Really now? That (Beep)ing hurt too! What are you? A size 13?

Alyssa: Oh that's it! (Tackles Terri)

Ted: Turn off the cameras! Wait...this is kinda hot...

Cameraman: (Scoots away)

(static)

Leon: (breathes deeply and raises finger)

Ashley: What are you doing Leon?

Leon: (points at Ashley) AIDS.

Ashley: (cries)

(static)

Mark: I'm bringing sexy back!

Yoko: Like hell you are! (tackles Mark over railing)

(static)

Chris: Die Wesker! (shoots at him)

Wesker: (dodges bullet)

Chris: WTFOMGLOLBBQHAX!!?!?!

(Static)

Jill: Whether I'm running around a mansion in a slutty tube top, or running around Raccoon City in a slutty tube top, or running through an Umbrella Lab in a slutty tube top, I never have time to worry about getting white marks from cheap deodorant. That's why I always trust Degree for Sluts extra strength deodorant and anti-perspirant. Strong enough for a man, but made for a slut. (wink)

(static)

Rebecca: Its such a beautiful day! (opens closet)

Billy: (jumps out of closet) Boo!

Rebecca: AAAAHHH!!!! I think I shit myself!

Leon: (Walks up) What the hell were you doing in a closet Billy?

(static)

Annette: This is ridiculous. We should be working on the G-Virus, William.

Sherry: (pouts)...Where are we...?

William: Well...you're the one who forgot to take her birth control, Annette...

Sherry: Tell me you didn't take me to a bar...

William: ...

Annette: ...

Sherry: Tell me you're kidding..

Cindy: Welcome To J's Bar, Birthday Girl! As a special birthday treat, our cook made you a special slice of birthday cake! And I'm pretty sure he washed his hands before making it! (giggle)

Sherry: Someone adopt me...

Cindy: (Puts party sombrero on Sherry's head and all the waiters start to sing)

William: (Checks his PDA)

Annette: (Checks Make-up) Oh, cheer up Terri, this is just as good as the Olive Garden.

Sherry: It's Sherry.

Annette: Right, what did I say?

Sherry: Terri.

Alyssa: TERRRRIIIIII! (Tackles Sherry out of nowhere)

Will: Someone stop them! Wait...this is kinda hot...

Cindy: (Scoots away)

(static)

Leon: MIIIIIIIIIIIIKEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Mark: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!

Jill: JOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEPH!!!!!!

Wesker: I say, Mark's the loudest.

Mark: In your faces, cha!!! (does the in your face dance)

(static)

Claire: (Puts her "Made in Heaven" vest on Sherry) Here, put this on, it'll keep you safe...

Sherry: Thank you, Claire!

Meanwhile...

God: (Zooms in on "Made in Heaven" vest on Sherry, Spits out coffee) BLASPHEMY!

Back on the ground...

(Lightning bolt strikes Sherry)

Sherry: ...(sizzles)

Claire: ...you okay?

Sherry: You know what? (Takes off the vest and hands it to Claire) You keep it...

(static)

Krauser: Eat chicken mother fuckers!!!! (gets far too close to camera and it falls over)

Brad: AH! (runs away as Krauser draws his arm and gives chase)

(static)

(Slumber party scene)

Ada: So...Mr. X...or Wesker?

Jill: Depends...would they try to kill me?

Alexia: They'd be drugged.

Jill: Oh, okay...well then..I guess...(gulp)...Wesker.

Ada, Alexia & Rebecca: Ooooooooh! You like Wesker!

Jill: No I don't! (giggles) Okay Ada, it's your turn..

Ada: Both.

Rebecca: What?!

Alexia: BOTH?!

Jill: Omigawd! You slut!

(The girls giggle and hit each other with pillows as Sherry scoots away)

(static)

Alice: Hey Everybody! Guess what!? (Dances around and sings) I'm so perfect! Lalalalala!

Wesker: ... (shoots Alice seven times) ... (Looks around) ... (Continues Alice's "I'm so perfect" dance)

Jim: Dayum, bitch just got SERVED, yo!

(static, screen goes black)

Chevy: Well...we've pretty much used up all the random ideas in our heads for now...tune in next time whenever we gather enough for chapter 2.

Tangora: I'm pretty.

Chevy: Okay...looks like we weren't out of random comments after all...TO THE WRITING MOBILE!

Tangora: Ha! I'm not getting in a roaring metal death machine! (flies away in Jet-Pack)


	2. Chapter 2

Chevy: I hope you readers find this funny, cuz honestly, I can't tell what funny is anymore...

**Resident Evil: Channel Surfing**

**Episode 2**

(Static)

Chris: (is lighting bodies on fire)

Rebecca: (Walks in) Hey Chr- BLARG! (throws up)

Chris: Is the smell of burning flesh that bad?

Rebecca: My nose is on fire!!! (runs away)

(static)

Steve: Look, I'm back from the dead! RAWR!

Claire: EEP! (shoots Steve)

Steve: Oww! I was only joking!

Claire: Well I've been in two zombie outbreaks, I'm a little paraonid (twitch)

(staic)

Wesker: This is some good baby. (bites into a burger)

(static)

Leon: (giggles) Strong Bad, you're so funny.

Ashley: Did you just giggle?

Leon: (shoots up from computer) Um...

(static)

Bob: Man I suck.

(static)

Wesker: Yo.

Announcer: And now here's Wesker getting attacked by a raptor.

Wesker: What!? OH GOD! NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE! (Mauling noises)

(static)

Elegant Blonde wig: 198 dollars

Purple Taffeta ball gown: 12,599 dollars

Knowing your dear Alexia is only a mirror's glance away: Priceless

Some things money can't buy,

For everything else there's Mastercard.

(static)

Wesker: I'm more evil than you'll ever be..

Alexia: That's impossible. I kill people daily for no reason! I can commit mass murder just by snapping my fingers. I torture people for the sheer joy of watching them suffer and die! What makes you more evil than I, you worthless wretch?

Wesker: You know those annoying calls everyone gets in the early morning where you pick up the phone and noone's there? That would be me.

Alexia: You evil bastard!

Wesker: Why, thank you.

(static)

Mark: (is swordlocked with Yoko) You'll never stop me, I shall bring sexy back!

Yoko: (burps)

Mark: Touche!

(static)

Kevin: (Playing D&D) You come across an empty room. All that lays in said room is a small wooden staff.

David: You mean a stick.

Kevin: Its a small wooden staff.

David: Whatever. I pick up the stick and move forward.

Kevin: You ecounter a rat.

David: Kill the rat, tie it to the-

Kevin: (slaps David) Hell no! You are not making a rat flail!

David: (teary) I was gonna tie it to my belt and use it to ward off vampires!

Kevin: Ooooh... my bad.

David: (Runs away crying)

(static)

Jim: What the fuck!?

Krauser: I NEED SCISSORS! (charges forward)

(static)

Wesker: Ada, come over here for a minute.

Ada: What do you need Alby?

Wesker: Lay down, right there, thats right.

Ada: Wesker what are you... oooh... oh my...

Wesker: Thats it, just sit back, and relax.

Ada: Oh that feels so good...

Wesker: Aaaaah... there we go, finished.

Ada: Wow Wesker, that was the best back massage I've ever had.

Wesker: No problem, that'll be five bucks.

Ada: (Slaps Wesker)

(static)

Manager: Well, Miss Graham, it's an honor to have you come in for an interview, and you seem to be very well qualified for the job. We here at Victoria's Secret would be glad to have you. But you have to understand, since the only full time position here is Store Manager, and we're very strict about our hours, you won't be allowed to work overtime.

Ashley: No offense, but I'm not into girls. Daddy says lesbians are sinspawn and that on the judgement day they'll be cast into the fires of hell... (giggles)

Manager: ...

Ashley: ...

Manager: ...

Ashley: So when can I start?

(static)

All the main characters of Resident Evil 2 and 3 stand before the Mayor in the newly rebuilt Raccoon City's City Hall.

Mayor: Because of your efforts to save the people of this town, I am presenting you all with medals of honor.. And to Albert Wesker, for killing Sara Carter in RE: Something Different, which was a favor to all of us, I present you with the keys to the city!

Wesker: In your face, Master of Unlocking!

Jill: Riiight, Wesker...Whatever you s--

Wesker: I can't hear youuuu... (jangles keys)

(static)

Kevin: (walks up to dead Mark) Can I have that first aid spray?

Mark: ...

Kevin: Please?

Mark: ...

Kevin: Pretty pretty please?

Mark: ...

Kevin: Dammit, it's mine! (steals first aid spray and starts running away)

David: I'm so awesome, I'm sexy awesome.

Kevin: (runs into David)

David: You mother fucker! I'll kill you! (throws lug wrench at Kevin)

Kevin narration: Time slowed down. I saw the wrench coming at me. In my head, I had two options. Option A: I dodge to the right of the wrench, roll forward and stab David's insides out, then steal his stuff. Or Option B: I get hit with the wrench, fall back over a railing, and die.

Kevin: (gets hit with the wrench, falls over a railing, and dies)

Kevin narration: Maybe I should've given Option A a little more consideration.

(static)

Alexia: (enjoys a hot bubble bath) Ahhh I must say, this is almost as satisfying as torturing and murdering our servants in cold blood...isn't it my dear Alfred?

Alfred: (Head pops out of the bubbles) Mmmmmyes, I would say so. Would you like me to scrub your back, my dearest Alexia? (phone rings)

Alexia: Damn! I suppose I'll get that... (picks up the phone on the counter next to the tub) Who are you and what makes you think you are worthy of speaking to the great Alexia Ashford? (listens for a response) ... (reciever clicks, and she slams the phone back down) WEESSSSSSKEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

Wesker: (Head pops out of the bubbles) Yo.

Alexia: (Shrieks, then stammers) HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU GET IN MY BATHTUB?!!?

Wesker: I'm Wesker.

Alfred: (smiles) I'm Alfred.

Wesker: (blinks twice, then looks at Alfred and runs away screaming)

(static, to black)

Tangora: I must say, this chapter is made of win.

Chevy: (yawn) I've lost interest already... I'm going to bed. (Rips off Fanfic Geisha outfit to reveal pajamas) I'll be in my kennel... Lemme know when you need me to write next...

Tangora: Ya bastard ya. Review or else Wesker will eat another baby.

Wesker: (Is squirting ketchup on a baby) Mmm, tastes like sin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Resident Evil: Channel Surfing**

**Episode 3**

(static)

Leon: I'll just step behind this corner and... (steps in a beartrap) Oh God! (gets out, stumbles backwards into flame from a firebreathing ganado) Holy shit! (stumbles back into a pitchfork) Fuck! (stumbles forwards and gets and axe to the back) Augh! (falls down and gets a sickle to the crouch) My huevos! (gets up and gets grabbed from behind) Oh this day couldn't get any worse.

Dr. Salvador: RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!

Leon: I stand corrected!

(static)

Ashley: Look Leon, a boulder!

Leon: Thats great Ashley, now get over here before you get stepped on.

Ashley: Boulder... mmm... boulder...

Leon: Would you get over here now!?

Ashley: Boulder... boulder...

Leon: Fuck it (shoots boulder down onto Ashley)

Ashley: (Dying) Boulder...

(static)

(In front of Mansion)

Chris: Joseph's dead! We're all gonna die!

Jill: Oh God, I'm too young to die!

Barry: I can't die a virgin!

Wesker: We'll make it! You just gotta believe!

Jill, Chris, & Barry: (stare at Wesker)

Wesker: What?

Jill, Chris, & Barry: (keep staring)

Wesker: (throws sparkles in the air)

(static)

Ada:

Adalicious Definition: Make them guys go mental  
They want my treasures so they get their pleasures from my hentai  
I'm a liar and a cheater, A backstabber and maneater.  
Commit treason without reason,  
Missions come and go like seasons.

Adalicious! My C cups aint fictitious,  
And if you are suspicious,  
All that sh-- is ridiculous.  
I blow kisses,  
That make them boys so hot hot  
And they chase me round the pueblo,  
Tryin' to get what I got.

Adalicious!

It's hot hot!

Adalicious!

I make them boys so hot hot!

Adalicious!

They want a taste of what I got!

Adalicious!

T-t-t-tasty! Tast--

Simon: I'm gonna stop you right there.

Ada: (gulp)...okay..

Simon: (rubs temples) What the HELL was that? Please tell me that wasn't singing...

Paula: That wasn't very good at all...sorry. I'd stay with my day job.

Randy: Yo girl, that was horrible, dawg...

Wesker: (storms in) Oh HELL no! We are not doing an American Idol parody! Then again, as long as I'm here... (Shoots Randy in the heart)

Paula: (Screams)

Wesker: (Laughs and blows Paula's head off, then turns to Simon and pauses..) Umm...Can I have your autograph?

Ada: ...

(static)

Deleted Scene from RE: Extinction:

Alice & Claire: (are surrounded by zombies)

Alice: (reaches for her gun) What the fuck? Where's my gun? (looks at Claire) You have two! Bitch! You stole my gun!

Claire: Well, you stole my moves. (Shoots Alice in the knee as zombies close in...) There, we're even! (Fake smile)

(static)

Last Week on As the Virus Spreads:

Chris: What are you hiding, Jill?! Dammit, Tell me!

Jill: I'm pregnant, OKAY?!

Chris: ...!

Sara: Oh my God! So am I!

Chris: Umm...noone cares... your character was killed off, remember?

Sara: Oh yeah..

Chris: ...

Sara: ...

Chris: ...

Sara: ...(trips and falls on top of Chris) Oops! (blushes)

(static)

Rebecca: Welcome to Cooking With Herbs! I'm Becky!

Cindy: And I'm Cindy!

Rebecca: And today we're going to be making an Angel Hair Pasta Casserole with a Red and Green Herb garnish.

Cindy: I've tried this one already, girls, and it is delicious. You'll wanna preheat your oven to 350 Degr-- (sniff, sniff) I smell (twitch) meat. (points to Rebecca) You! Your hands! You've touched MEAT!

Rebecca: I don't know w-what you're talking abou-

Cindy: (twitch, twitch) You KNOW how I feel about meat! (Slaps Becky)

Becky: I-I only had one burger... I couldn't help myself! It was so tender and juicy!

Cindy: (slaps Becky again, turns to camera, smiles) For this you should use the stove top. Watch closely, tee-hee. (Pushes Becky's face onto the stove, as Becky screams in agony from the burns)

Becky: Noo! Please! For the love of God!

Cindy: (pulls Becky's face off of the stove. The entire left half of her face is badly burnt) There, that should do it. (Hands her a handful of herbs) Take two of these and call me in the morning... And if I don't get a call... (giggles) I WILL hunt you down...

(static)

Ben Bertolucci: (turns off TV) Whoa.. That was kinda hot...

Parasite: (bursts out of Bertolucci's chest, then scoots away)

(static, fade to black)

Chevy: Hey guys, I was supposed to meet Tangora at the end of the chapter, but he's not here, so... Eh? What's this? (picks up note on the ground)

Note:

To Chevy and the readers,

Busy with Clarie right now, so consider this an IOU for next time.  
Don't think this means I don't expect reviews.

Tangora

PS: Chevy, this message will self destruct in five seconds. Gotta keep ya on your toes.

Chevy: GAH! (Tosses message out window) (BOOM) Well you heard what he said... See you next time, and until then, please leave a review...


End file.
